Parenting is a journey of discovery through which we learn more about our child and ourselves each day.
The following exercises, are aimed at encouraging us to think about our special relationship with our child,
their emotional wellbeing, our parenting approach and our own emotional wellbeing. Each question is designed
to help us reflect on an aspect of our child or of our parenting. Each exercise is self-contained and help in
processing them is provided throughout the book. The graph at the end of the exercises help us to understand
the learnings from all of the exercises together. This graph is best understood by reference to the book.
Exercise 1: Connecting with our Inner Parent
What is our ‘inner parent’?
Our ‘inner parent’ is that part of us where our natural love for our child meets our natural ability to parent. It is the realisation that we love our child, that we were born to parent our child and that whatever challenges we face, nothing will ever stop us from loving and doing our best for our child.
Finding our inner parent is the essential beginning of the journey towards building our child’s emotional health and psychological resilience. When we connect with our inner parent, we connect with a core component of our self-identity and self-value, realising that being a parent is an innate part of our makeup. This realisation can happen at any age and at any stage in the parenting journey.
Our inner parent has three distinct features, loving our child unconditionally valuing the uniqueness of our child and believing in our natural parenting ability.
Loving our child unconditionally: Love for our child is natural; it is always in us. Connecting with this inner love can happen at any stage in the parenting journey. Some parents describe “falling in love” with their baby while for others it emerges gradually. A child parented through love is happy, expressive and creative. They are naturally curious about life, can laugh when things are funny and cry when they are sad. They are not terrified of the consequences of their behaviour or focused unnecessarily upon reactions of adults. They are in touch with who they truly are. This child becomes a strong and stable adult, able to deal with conflicting demands and pressures and in time able to raise their own children through love.
Valuing the uniqueness of our child: A core component of connecting with our inner parent is believing our child is unique. This reinforces for us that our job is to help our child grow to understand their true selves, to discover who they are and to fulfil themselves in their own unique way.
By acknowledging and valuing our child as the very special person he or she is, we make their full intelligence, abilities and potential available to them. Our child is more likely to be secure and happy, and less likely to be aggressive, distracted and filled with insecurities and fears. Valuing the uniqueness of our child requires taking our lead from him or her and not imposing our expectations, ideas or fears on them.
Believing in our natural parenting ability: The concept of natural parenting ability has long been discussed and explored by sociologists and psychologists. The best selling author and social psychologist Penelope Leach says in her book Baby and Child “ If you let it, your body will start loving the baby for you even before he is properly a person. Whatever your mind and the deeply entrenched habits of your previous life may be telling you; your body is ready and waiting for him. Your skin thrills to his…….Your bodies commands and your baby’s physical reactions are your best guide to handling him. (Leach P 1988.). In her book The Natural Child, Jan Hunt the Canadian psychologist, explores the idea of instinctive parenting, the central principle of which, utmost sensitivity to our child’s innate emotional and physical needs, stems from our natural, innate rearing capability. (Hunt J 2001). Central to our inner parent is recognising this natural ability and believing that it will be awakened when we emotionally connect to and commit to our child.
Finding this belief involves self-awareness, self-confidence and an ability to self-reflect. It involves using the energy of our natural love for our child to connect with that part of us that will always do what we think is right for our child. We may not always know what is right and may need help or advice with the options, we may sometimes make wrong choices, but we will always know what feels right and try to do this.
Take no more than three minutes to complete each of these questions as honestly as you can.
Move on to the next question after three minutes and leave any you can.t complete unanswered.
Do the exercise for each of your children separately.
When did you first realise you loved him/her?
How did this make you feel?
What is it about him/her you love the most?
What is the most unique thing about him/her?
What is it about him/her you enjoy the most?
As a parent, what comes naturally to you?
Exercise 2: Parenting Self-Awareness
Take no more than three minutes to complete each of these questions as honestly as you can.
Move on to the next question after three minutes and leave any you can.t complete unanswered.
Do the exercise for each of your children separately.
Why did you decide to have him/her?
How do you feel about being a parent to him/her?
What are you good at as a parent to him/her?
What do you enjoy about being a parent to him/her?
What do you feel you could be better at as a parent to him/her?
What else are you good at other than being a parent?
Exercise 3: Exploring our Belief Systems
Take no more than three minutes to complete each of these questions as honestly as you can.
Move on to the next question after three minutes and leave any you can.t complete unanswered.
Do the exercise for each of your children separately.
What was the most positive thing about your own childhood?
What was the most negative thing about your own childhood?
What have you learnt from your own parents that you use in your parenting?
What have you decided not to do in your own parenting that your parents did?
What have you learnt from your child about parenting?
What have you learnt from your friends about parenting?
What is good about where you live for parenting?
Exercise 4: Parenting Growth Exercise
Take no more than three minutes to complete each of these questions as honestly as you can.
Move on to the next question after three minutes and leave any you can.t complete unanswered.
Do the exercise for each of your children separately.
What would you like to improve about your parenting of him/her?
What aspect of parenting would you like to know more about?
What about parenting in the future are you looking forward to?
What about parenting in the future are you concerned about?
What would you like to do to improve your parenting?
What extra support would you like to help you parent?
Exercise 5: Child Personality Checklist
Take no more than three minutes to complete each of these questions as honestly as you can.
Move on to the next question after three minutes and leave any you can.t complete unanswered.
Do the exercise for each of your children separately.
What characteristics make your child special?
How does he/she express these?
What does your child like to do to relax?
What makes your child laugh?
What does your child do particularly well?
What decisions do you let your child make for him/herself?
Exercise 6: Self-Awareness and Emotional Intelligence Checklist
Take no more than three minutes to complete each of these questions as honestly as you can.
Move on to the next question after three minutes and leave any you can.t complete unanswered.
Do the exercise for each of your children separately.
What about him/herself do they like to talk about?
What about him/herself do they not like to talk about?
What does he/she say and do when happy?
What does he/she say and do when sad?
What does he/she think they are good at?
What does he/she think they are weak at?
What makes him/her angry with themselves?
What stops him/her being angry with themselves?
What one thing does he/she think is right?
What one thing does he/she think is wrong
Exercise 7: Shaping Thinking and Behaviour Checklist
Take no more than three minutes to complete each of these questions as honestly as you can.
Move on to the next question after three minutes and leave any you can.t complete unanswered.
Do the exercise for each of your children separately.
What’s the main thing you do that shows him/her you are happy?
What’s the main thing you say that shows him/her you are happy?
What do you encourage your child to do that makes him/her happy?
What do you encourage your child to say that makes him/her happy?
How do you encourage your child to see things positively?
How do you encourage your child to do things positively?
How do you encourage your child to find solutions to problems?
Exercise 8: Expressing Our Love Checklist
Take no more than three minutes to complete each of these questions as honestly as you can.
Move on to the next question after three minutes and leave any you can.t complete unanswered.
Do the exercise for each of your children separately.
How do you show him/her you love them?
What do you say to them to let them know you love them?
How does he/she show you that they love you?
What does he/she say to you to let you know that they love you?
When is the last time you showed your child you loved them?
When is the last time you told your child you loved them?
When you show or tell your child you love him/her, how do they react?
When they show or tell you they love you, how do you react?
When you were a child, how did your parents show and tell you that they loved you?
Exercise 9: Communication Checklist
Take no more than three minutes to complete each of these questions as honestly as you can. Move on to the next question after three minutes and leave any you can.t complete unanswered. Do the exercise for each of your children separately.
How do you show him/her that you are listening to them?
How do they show you that they are listening to you?
What do you like to talk about with your child?
What does your child like to talk to you about?
How do you show your child you are happy?
How does your child show you that they are happy?
How do you show your child you are sad or angry?
How does your child show you that they are sad or angry?
How did your own parents show you that they were happy or sad?
Exercise 10: Building Self-Esteem Checklist
Take no more than three minutes to complete each of these questions as honestly as you can. Answer yes or no to each question. Do the exercise for each of your children separately. Base your answers on what has occurred over the last two weeks.
What is the most important decision you allow him/her to make for themselves?
What is the one thing your child does that positively surprises you?
What is the thing you praise your child for most?
What do you tell your child you are good at most often?
What were the most important decisions your parents let you make at the age your child is now?
How did you make your parents proud?
What did your parents praise you for most when you were your child’s age?
What did you think your mother was particularly good at when you were a child?
What did you think your father was particularly good at when you were a child?
Exercise 11: Teaching Positive Discipline Checklist
Which of his/her behaviours do you praise the most?
Which of his/her behaviours do you ignore the most?
What one of his/her behaviours positively surprises you most?
What does he/she do that particularly pleases you?
What has he/she done recently that you feel has taught them something positive about being disciplined?
What has he/she done recently that you feel has taught them something negative about being disciplined?
What do you do to model positive discipline for your child?
What is your most positive self-discipline strength?
What one good thing did your own parents teach you about discipline?
Exercise 12: Teaching Spiritual and Philosophical Beliefs Checklist
What one spiritual/philosophical thing do you do with your child?
What one spiritual/philosophical thing do you talk about with your child?
What one spiritual/philosophical thing do you remember doing with your own parents?
What one spiritual/philosophical thing do you remember talking about with your own parents
What is the one most important spiritual/philosophical belief you would like your child to have?
What is the one most important spiritual/philosophical belief your parents taught you?
Exercise 13: Child Emotional Difficulties
Take no more than three minutes to complete each of these questions as honestly as you can. Move on to the next question after three minutes and leave any you can.t complete unanswered. Do the exercise for your family as a whole.
Name one way that the members of your family respect each other?
What is the most effective way your family communicates with each other?
What solution to a problem did your family agree to this week?
What one emotional issue did your family deal well with this week?
What one thing did you learn about your family this week?
What one thing made you proud about your family this week?
What one thing has your family decided to change this week?
Exercise 14: Creating an emotionally healthy child care environment
Take no more than three minutes to complete each of these questions as honestly as you can. Move on to the next question after three minutes and leave any you can.t complete unanswered. Do the exercise for each of your children separately.
What does he/she like most about the carer?
What does the carer like most about him/her?
What is the carer's biggest strength?
What is the nicest thing the carer has said about your child?
What is the nicest thing your child has said or shown about the carer?
What makes you feel most secure about the carer?
Exercise 15: Creating an emotionally healthy school environment
Take no more than three minutes to complete each of these questions as honestly as you can. Move on to the next question after three minutes and leave any you can.t complete unanswered. Do the exercise for each of your children separately.
What was it about your child's school that originally attracted you?
What is the best thing about your child's school?
What positive thing did your child say about the school this week?
What does your child do well at in school?
What was the most recent thing you did or attended in the school?
What is the best thing about your child's school friends?
Exercise 16: Creating an emotionally healthy social environment
What social, sport or leisure activity does your child really like?
How does he/she say this activity makes them feel?
What is the particular strength of the person who runs the activity?
What did you do recently to support your child's involvement in the activity?
When is the last time you talked to your child about the activity?
When you were a child what social, sport, leisure or social activity did you like to do?
Exercise 17: Creating an Emotionally Healthy Internet Environment
Take no more than three minutes to complete each of these questions as honestly as you can. Move on to the next question after three minutes and leave any you can.t complete unanswered. Do the exercise for each of your children separately
What do you enjoy doing with your child on the Internet?
What does your child most enjoy doing on the Internet?
What is the latest thing you have taught your child about the internet?
What is the latest thing your child has taught you about the internet?
What is the most important rule you have about the internet?
What is the latest thing you have discussed with your child about the internet?
Exercise 18: Dealing with, Alcohol, Drugs and Early Sexualisation
What is the latest thing you have discussed with your child about alcohol?
What is the latest thing you have discussed with your child about drugs?
What is the latest thing you have discussed with your child about sex?
What age were you when you tried your first alcoholic drink and how did it feel?
What age were you when you tried your first drug and how did it feel?
What age were you when you first engaged in sexual activity and how did it feel?
Exercise 19: Personal Perception Checklist
Take no more than three minutes to complete each of these questions as honestly as you can. Move on to the next question after three minutes and leave any you can.t complete unanswered.
What characteristics make you special
What characteristics make you special as a parent?
What things do you do that make you different from other parents?
What are your strengths?
What are your strengths as a parent?
What are you proud of?
What are you proud of as a parent?
Exercise 20: Self-Awareness and Emotional Intelligence Checklist
Take no more than three minutes to complete each of these questions as honestly as you can. Move on to the next question after three minutes and leave any you can.t complete unanswered.
What one thing about yourself do you reflect on most often?
What one thing that you did this week did you reflect on?
Who do you trust to talk to about yourself ?
Who do you tell when you are feeling good about yourself?
How do people know when you are angry?
How do people know when you are happy?
Who do you trust enough to tell you are very good at something?
What are you very good at?
What value do you hold that you are prepared to tell people about?
Who do you talk to about your values?
What one value did you learn from your own parents?
Exercise 21: Shaping Thinking and Behaviour Checklist
Take no more than three minutes to complete each of these questions as honestly as you can. Move on to the next question after three minutes and leave any you can.t complete unanswered.
What one very positive thought did you have this week?
What one very positive thing did you do this week?
What one potential negative action did you turn into a positive action this week?
What one negative thought did you turn into a positive thought this week?
What one good solution did you find to a problem this week?
What one solution did you find to a problem one of your children had this week?
What nice thing did you do for yourself this week?
What nice thing will you do for yourself next week?
Exercise 22: Being Loved Checklist
Take no more than three minutes to complete each of these questions as honestly as you can. Move on to the next question after three minutes and leave any you can.t complete unanswered.
Who is one person who you know loves you?
How do you know they love you?
What is it about you that they love?
How does them loving you make you feel?
How do you know your child loves you?
How does your child loving you make you feel?
What is it about you that is lovable?
Exercise 23: Communication Checklist
Take no more than three minutes to complete each of these questions as honestly as you can. Move on to the next question after three minutes and leave any you can.t complete unanswered.
Who do you talk to most in your life?
Who do you spend time with when you are happy?
Who do you spend time with when you are sad?
What topic do you find most difficult to discuss?
What would you like to be able to talk about that you don't feel you can?
Who likes to talk to you?
Who likes to spend time with you when they are happy?
Who likes to spend time with you when they are sad?
What do you find easy to listen to?
What do you find difficult to listen to?
Exercise 24: Building self-esteem Checklist
Take no more than three minutes to complete each of these questions as honestly as you can. Move on to the next question after three minutes and leave any you can.t complete unanswered.
What is the most important decision you have made this week?
What is the most important parenting decision you have made this week?
What is the one thing that surprised you about yourself this week?
What thing did you get praised for this week?
What were you told you are good at most often this week?
What thing about your parenting did you get praised for this week?
What were you told you are good at as a parent most often this week?
What did your child say to you that made you feel good about yourself this week?
What did your child do this week that made you feel good about yourself?
What did your parent think you were good at when you were a child?
Exercise 25: Positive Discipline Checklist
Take no more than three minutes to complete each of these questions as honestly as you can. Move on to the next question after three minutes and leave any you can.t complete unanswered.
What action did you take this week that made you feel you had done the right thing?
What action did you take this week that you would prefer you hadn't?
What action did you take this week that indicates to yourself that you are disciplined?
What belief do you hold that helps you be self-disciplined?
What action did you take this week that you would like your child to repeat?
What good example did you show to your child this week?
What one thing would you like to improve about your self-discipline?
Exercise 26: Positive Spiritual and Philosophical Beliefs Checklist
Take no more than three minutes to complete each of these questions as honestly as you can. Move on to the next question after three minutes and leave any you can.t complete unanswered.
What one spiritual/philosophical thought did you have this week?
What one spiritual/philosophical belief do you hold that makes you feel happy?
What one spiritual/philosophical belief do you hold that makes you feel confident?
What one spiritual/philosophical belief do you hold that makes you feel confident about your parenting?
What one spiritual/philosophical belief do you hold that makes you want to do better?
What is the one most important spiritual/philosophical belief you have learnt or has been reinforced for you this week?